10Sep09

it hurt.


i don’t like that i had to be the one to ask if we were girlfriend and boyfriend.
i don’t like that he only wants to come over when nobody is around to make out.
i don’t like that he never makes plans for us.
i don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t.

and i don’t like that i can’t seem to discuss or resolve my issues with people face to face.


11Jul09

two glasses of sangria, one beirut concert, and kissing and cuddling in the dark. i may be feeling all stuffed up with a runny nose, cloudy head, and a scratchy dry throat, but it was all worth it.


06Jul09

“are you feeling tired?”
“a bit.”
“i want to wake you up with kisses.”


hmm

17May09

my boyfriend has reverted back to giving me high fives. wtf.


Has anyone figured out how to reply to the “I gave birth to you!” line?

I don’t think my mom knows or understands who I am anymore. It’s gotten extremely difficult for me to communicate with her over the years – and perhaps she misses that closeness. I didn’t get her a mother’s day gift, because I didn’t think it’d be that big of a deal. I love her and appreciate her, of course, but I guess I don’t show it enough. Maybe she’d understand more if she understood that I have issues expressing how I feel to people I care about. I can’t seem to do it. I’ve been told that this makes me come across as cold and indifferent. Long story short, she was upset and, honest to goodness, used the “I gave birth to you!” line.

What was I suppose to say to that?

I feel bad that she’s hurt and embarrassed, but she’ll get over it at some point. I just think it’s unfair of her though. I know she tries her best to be a good mom, but as shitty as that makes me sound, it’s often not been enough. She’s never taken me seriously – how does she expect me to behave now? She didn’t take it seriously when I told her I was depressed during my first year of university. How badly I was hurting and felt utterly lost. I’m still angry and resentful about it. It was an extremely dark time for me and she just wasn’t there. But I don’t bring it up, because I know she didn’t mean to hurt me and I don’t want to hurt her anymore that I have.


13Apr09

you know how love can either bring the best or the worst in someone? i think i fall in the latter.


summer

05Apr09

books. would like some for the summer.


27Mar09

i’m falling again.

it’s been sitting inside of my chest for a couple of days now, this need to cry. i hate feeling so vulnerable, needy and insecure like this, but combined with stress and school, i’m finding it harder and harder to not just wallow in self-pity and accuse of others of treating me like a forgotten sidenote.


the more we get to know each other, the further apart and more disconnect i feel.