November 23, 2009 • 7:48 am
i think i need to talk about it in an abstract way. i want to find the words, but they aren’t happening.
i can say my heart feels heavy.
i wonder if people can be divided into those who have lost and those who haven’t. i suddenly feel old and tired.
in some ways, i believe part of me will never feel whole. the realization of this, rather than the death, made me despair. and my heart feels heavy and weighed down.
and part of it is for my mom…who is much stronger than i initially thought. i can only hope to be half of the person she is.
i’m sitting here typing, desperately wanting to make the world ok again. i want to smooth it out, press it, and fold it neatly into dainty squares.
i want mom to be ok most of all.
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November 22, 2009 • 11:52 pm
today i found out my father died about three years ago. my heart is breaking. i don’t know what else i can say.
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September 10, 2009 • 1:15 am
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i don’t like that i had to be the one to ask if we were girlfriend and boyfriend.
i don’t like that he only wants to come over when nobody is around to make out.
i don’t like that he never makes plans for us.
i don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t.
and i don’t like that i can’t seem to discuss or resolve my issues with people face to face.
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two glasses of sangria, one beirut concert, and kissing and cuddling in the dark. i may be feeling all stuffed up with a runny nose, cloudy head, and a scratchy dry throat, but it was all worth it.
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“are you feeling tired?”
“a bit.”
“i want to wake you up with kisses.”
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my boyfriend has reverted back to giving me high fives. wtf.
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Has anyone figured out how to reply to the “I gave birth to you!” line?
I don’t think my mom knows or understands who I am anymore. It’s gotten extremely difficult for me to communicate with her over the years – and perhaps she misses that closeness. I didn’t get her a mother’s day gift, because I didn’t think it’d be that big of a deal. I love her and appreciate her, of course, but I guess I don’t show it enough. Maybe she’d understand more if she understood that I have issues expressing how I feel to people I care about. I can’t seem to do it. I’ve been told that this makes me come across as cold and indifferent. Long story short, she was upset and, honest to goodness, used the “I gave birth to you!” line.
What was I suppose to say to that?
I feel bad that she’s hurt and embarrassed, but she’ll get over it at some point. I just think it’s unfair of her though. I know she tries her best to be a good mom, but as shitty as that makes me sound, it’s often not been enough. She’s never taken me seriously – how does she expect me to behave now? She didn’t take it seriously when I told her I was depressed during my first year of university. How badly I was hurting and felt utterly lost. I’m still angry and resentful about it. It was an extremely dark time for me and she just wasn’t there. But I don’t bring it up, because I know she didn’t mean to hurt me and I don’t want to hurt her anymore that I have.
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you know how love can either bring the best or the worst in someone? i think i fall in the latter.
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books. would like some for the summer.
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